~e; Automadness: Terrors of EM Research (iii/iii)

[brian carroll <human@electronetwork.org>]

  [the following is written out of necessity to force change upon
  the situation that presents itself. it is not a piece about a
  private view of a private subject, a private conversation.
  although it has been this for many years, as one tries to do
  whatever they can not to complain. but when there is absolutely
  no possibility to go forward, then it seems time to restrategize
  and change the rules. the people named in this article, and the
  organizations, are being critiqued in a way they never have been.
  it has been years of trying to avoid writing this story, but it
  is the last thing that can be done. and it is not bothersome to
  see these people whom, bit by bit, have taken away the possibility
  of change, to have to account for their actions, as others like
  myself have had to change, dramatically, always for the worse.
  to concede, in order to survive. so too, will those who are
  guiding the ship now have to listen to the winds else they
  may find themselves shipwrecked with sharks all around. any
  collaborations are appreciated. time to make some change. here
  is my contribution to dissenting the loss of human freedoms]...



	A U T O B I O G R A P H Y   O F   M A D N E S S

	TERRORS OF ELECTROMAGNETIC RESEARCH

	public story. public facts. public individual. public domain.
	no copyright. 2001. no permissions necessary. please redistribute.
	brian thomas carroll. electromagnetic researcher.
	a work in progress. version 8.7.2001

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/



------------------------------------------------------------------------
0-- 	THE MYTHIC SCHIZOPHRENIC
------------------------------------------------------------------------
1--	HYPOCRISY OF BUREAUCRATIC DEMOCRACY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
2--	INDEPENDENT ARCHITECTURAL RESEARCH
------------------------------------------------------------------------
3--	ASCII ARCHITECTURE
------------------------------------------------------------------------
4--	NO IDEOLOGICAL EXIT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
5--	CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
6--	THE ELECTROMAGNETIC LOBOTOMY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
7--	MULTIMEDIATED ARCHITECTURE
------------------------------------------------------------------------
8--	ARCHITECTURAL DEBATE (SIC)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
9--	SOCIALIZED INSECURITY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
10-	ARCHITEXTUALIZING ELECTRICITY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
11-	PUBLIC DISINFORMATION ZONE
------------------------------------------------------------------------
12- 	ELECTROMAGNETIC INTERNETWORKING
------------------------------------------------------------------------
13-	THE PURGING OF PUBLIC DISSENT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
14-	SEEING NO CHANGE
------------------------------------------------------------------------
15-	THE LAST OF THE FREE RADICALS
------------------------------------------------------------------------
16-	GOALS FOR TODAY / contact information
------------------------------------------------------------------------


This website documents the path of an individual human being in their
attempt to understand the cultural role of electromagnetism in the
field of architecture. Seemingly fictive, it publicly documents the
travails of an 'undisciplined' student on their public journey in
search of architecture, into madness and beyond. The purpose of this
individual's research work is to assist ordinary citizens in
understanding complex electromagnetic phenomena within the everyday
environment.

And yet this work has been censored in the University; the person
deemed insane for 'thinking differently'; administered electroshock
treatments so as to fit back into 'normal' society; institutionalized
inside bureaucracies of economic, social, and political bondage;
discriminated against for challenging the status quo; surveilled by
ideological opponents whom have read private e-mail, shut down two
public e-mail lists, hacked their web server, defaced their website,
damaged their personal computer, destroyed the computer hardware, and
corrupted the software used to continue this unique electromagnetic
research endeavor.

As a direct result, this researcher has been unable to function, to
stay employed, and has had their physical health deteriorate to the
point of collapse, in order to be 'renormalized'. They can no longer
continue their research of electromagnetism until help from the
public arrives. This human being is now seeking to live outside the
USA so as to be able to continue their work which pursues public
goals without fear of oppression, something impossible to imagine
from where they exist today.

All of these events have led to life-threatening health and welfare
problems for this individual, and they have no other option but to
tell their story of the last ten years in hopes that other people
will recognize this individual continues to be actively denied their
basic human rights as a citizen of the world, and will legally argue,
if necessary, that they have been tortured as it is defined by the
United Nations Convention Against Torture (1984), Article 1(1). This
claim is not idle, nor against any one individual, but against an
entire cultural system as it is accumulated in the separate actions
of many in positions of authority and power over time. This injustice
must be recognized by others in order to change its predetermined
outcome.

This biography is not personal in nature, a private grievance unique
to one person. Instead it publicly documents a system of Automated
Madness which is working against all of humanity and is actively
destroying the democratic rights and freedoms of individuals in this
human republic.

This researcher is in dire need of public support from fellow
citizens of the world, and this is their last stand. They have tried
everything to avoid this confrontation. but given no other choice,
they are not ashamed to speak truth to the total authority of power
over that of truth that exists in the world today. Please suspend
judgment, read this story, and consider for yourself what these facts
present. If you then choose to support the work of this individual
human being, please send your support as soon as is possible, as a
public opportunity needs to open up fast within these storied ruins,
as time, energy, and resources have long run out. Contact information
is below for those who want to help keep this public research effort
alive.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
0-- THE MYTHIC SCHIZOPHRENIC
------------------------------------------------------------------------

SPACETIME:	1970-1990, Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

grow up in conservative and insular environment. go to the University
of Minnesota while living in parents home. stress 	from clashing
worldviews of upbringing and that of the larger world. question
theological upbringing, in order to think independently. Thus, two
worlds collide in daily life, one of the traditional past and a new
cultural order. An impossible situation to resolve in the present
moment, and harder yet to rationalize without any distance inbetween
the oppositions. Paradox reigned supreme, in gray matter, and age-old
unanswerable questions were flowing...

some later digital work directly relates to what was learned from
this early experience:

*	identity: philosophy, metaphysics, alchemy

	http://www.architexturez.com/site/identity/


HEALTH:

diagnosed with bi-polar depression and actively administered
anti-depressant drugs while attending college as a preventative
measure, so as to remain within the irrational and counter-productive
educational system.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
1--	HYPOCRISY OF BUREAUCRATIC DEMOCRACY
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

1990-1994, on and off, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, USA
College of Architecture & Landscape Architecture (CALA)



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

attempt to fit into architecture school 3 times with no success.
ideas did not fit well within the corporatized studio-driven
educational model, which does not allow for basic research.
imagination, while good for design, was a negative in that i 'did the
opposite of everyone else' and was called 'schizophrenic' for work i
pursued. never did anything 'right', in an esoteric type of
moral-architectural truth. for example, in a course on environmental
systems, by including noise from airplanes and cars, and pollution
from the busy streets next to a famous architect's library, my work
was chided by the teacher as i was disrespecting authority by
bringing up these issues in my homework, well within the range of
reasoning...

.

during one of my three times leaving architectural school an
architectural teacher whom i once admired, Andrzej Piotrowski , told
me in no uncertain terms that i could never study, understand, nor
know 'Architecture' outside of the University. i disagreed, may have
called it 'dogma' as he liked to say to me, and proceeded to leave
school, considered a failure. wrote to this teacher later regarding
my work but was never responded to, as i was no longer a part of the
institution, even though i was doing public architectural work. this
professor has just published a book from the University Press on
Architectural Discipline and Authority. This is highly disturbing in
that while he may understand power, he lacks a broader truth. This is
amongst the gravest insults i have encountered in my journeys, the
betrayal of truth by power, and the takeover of public education by a
privatized despotism.

.

well-known urban planner William Morrish met with me during his after
class hours. Morris had a class similar to the book Defining
Community: A Neighborhood Perspective which "... identifies and
synthesizes the ideas, strategies, and partnerships that Minneapolis
residents are generating through a wide variety of neighborhood
planning processes, particularly the Neighborhood Revitalization
Program (NRP)."

at that time i was working for the University of Minnesota's Center
for Urban and Regional Affairs (CURA) for the NRP in Minneapolis'
Phillips neighborhood as a housing researcher and was actually doing
the work the class was about. the class project i presented expanded
the local media infrastructure to empower the community, such as with
freenets, bulletin board systems (BBS), and community radio. my work
was considered 'confusing' to the Teaching Assistant, as they did not
understand it (or what a computer network was), and i received a poor
grade. When i went to talk with the professor about this, he confided
something to the effect that school was not the time for working on
your own ideas. that it would take fifteen years, and if i wanted to
work on my own ideas it may be better to leave school. i was ready to
do my thesis at the end of grade1 and had 3 years to wait before i
could, and even then i would not be able to pursue `basic research'
dealing the role of electrification within the built environment, but
instead would be 'designing' a building for a fictional client.

thus, i was told in so many words by Morris that my personal (public)
architectural ideas did not belong in a University college of
architecture, and that i'd have to leave to work on these ideas. he
said this with compassion and pragmatism, and i appreciated his
honesty. yet, for me this was a cultural death sentence, being a
student without a degree, with no hope of working in the profession,
student loan debts, and in waiting arms of the psychiatric arm of the
state.

.

met with studio professor Lance Lavine and tried conveying my ideas
on electricity's role in architecture by showing brochures for
American Electric streetlights and comparing theme to the Classical
orders of Greco-Roman architecture. I was told 'this is not
architecture, this is engineering' in absolute terms. meaning that it
had no cultural dimension.

ironically, this same teacher publishes a book on Mechanics and
Meaning in Architecture from the University Press in 2000, which
explores '...technology's role in architecture and, in turn,
humanity's understanding of nature." and his work focusses on
electrical HVAC systems which would not exist today without
electricity and such absolute statements were and are absurd but
cannot be challenged, as they are status quo answers beyond
questioning, even to this day, as truth is secondary to power in
architectural discourse.

.

during a class presentation, studio professor B. Aaron Parker
censored me when saying i could not discuss the electrical
distribution 'poles' on my map for my studio project, as they were
not architecture. i said they were architecture, and he declared i
could not talk about them. This is the map i worked on to show how
the electrical distribution grid is an architectural order in the
built environment but it was the 'wrong' idea, again...


*	contextual site map displaying electrical order

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/map.html


i left the architectural program after appealing to the Dean that i
was being censored, and even had my work ruined when a vandal threw
water all over the map.

.

i went to the office of the Dean of CALA at that time, Harrison
Fraker, Jr. and tried to convey my intentions that i was being held
back by the educational system. He was unable to help find a way for
me to continue my work at the university, and i was handed down to
three professors who were also unable to relate to anything i was
saying about the electrical infrastructure, computer networks, the
Internet, etceteras.

Ironically when i asked for Dean Fraker's help, he ended up saying,
in effect: there is nothing i can do. i was referred to go to the
Independent Study program at the University. It is quite ironic to me
that this architectural administrator is now the Dean of the College
of Environmental Design at the University of California, Berkeley. it
shows how the spirit of freedom of thought of the 1960s student
movement in the University has been rolled-back when a helpless Dean
now leads a supposedly emancipated school. It is indicative of how
radically conservative the architectural profession remains today.



HEALTH:

frustrated, was told to see a University psychiatrist, which i did to
stay in school. i was given medicines such as tranquilizers and
anti-psychotics while telling the psychiatrist that what i was
attempting to say in architectural school was being censored and
unfair. That i was sane, that the teachers would not accept facts
into debates, etc.

productive period of ascii architecture, where my ideas were not
accepted in school, so i put them online, specifically in the
design-lit forum from Pennsylvania State University, a list founded
by Howard Ray Lawrence and now run by John Young of cryptome.org.

My posts on the design-list range from the architectural
establishment to my specific ideas on the implicit role of
electricity in understanding the built environment and architecture
of the present day, including the early Internet.

anxiety attack when professor said i could not present my own work in
front of the 100 or so classmates.

another student presented my work as i had to stand by listening.
they didn't even know what my work was about. as i heard them
improvise an architectural presentation about it which had nothing to
do with what i created, but with what the 'educators' wanted students
to hear, see, and believe.

i started to hyperventilate and my chest and arms tightened and i ran
to the hospital, as i began getting extremely ill from the absurdity
of this situation.

It was apparent i was the one who did not belong in this system, and
could not be made to fit either, as i was too wild, or 'not
disciplined' enough.

i contacted the Legal Aid society and tried to bring a lawsuit
against the University for limiting my ability to speak about my
ideas in school. but they said they could not take the case, as it
was not clear cut enough.




------------------------------------------------------------------------
2--	INDEPENDENT ARCHITECTURAL RESEARCH
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

	1993, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, USA
	Program for Individualized Learning (PIL)



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

apply for an Independent Study at the Program for Individualized
Learning (PIL) at the University of Minnesota. After three failed
attempts to fit my public educational pursuits into the College of
Architecture (CALA) `training' environment, it was my last hope to
continue my work.

As I remember the application was turned down on its own merits. I
also was unable to find an academic advisor in the architecture
department whom I could work with. Thus, my application was not
accepted.


*	rejected P.I.L. Independent Study application

  	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/pil/


this meant I had no architectural future in the University and would
have to leave it to pursue public research. By doing so, I would be
considered crazy, as I was not making 'rational' decisions by
continuing this pursuit to my own personal detriment. The atmosphere
was one of being perceived by others as not knowing what is 'good for
me' and needing bureaucracies to decide what is reasonable for me to
be doing, such as working in a Coca-Cola factory.

.

start researching online, in lieu of being able to pursue my ideas in
the local environment, in hopes that somehow i can find a way to
continue my education...


*	first 'Architecture and Electricity' post online

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/alphae.html



HEALTH:

Without institutional support in an official independent study
program, the individual student was prescribed psychiatric
medications so to explain 'irrational' behavior in a suitable way to
others, i.e., the person is mentally ill for pursuing ideas that the
institutions are not ready to accept or allow as legitimate decisions.

Thus, the individual learner is cast out of the educational
environment, and is on their own. The free pursuit of truth and
knowledge in educational disciplines is limited by institutional
power and its rote bureaucracy.


~~~

SPACETIME:

1993-1994, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis. enroll in various
multidisciplinary classes outside of any formal degree tract, just to
learn.



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

study Science and the State with professor Donald Geesaman at the
Hubert H. Humphrey Institute for Public Affairs, a genuine public
philosopher. some essays and ideas that bubbled to the surface of the
mind during that influential time include:

*	Window (1993)

  	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/window.html

*	The Spectrum from Truth to Power and Constitutional Relativity

  	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/spectrum.html

*	Text to Self (1994)

  	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/text2self.html

*	The Architect of Policy

  	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/policy.html

*	Being a Student in the Transition

  	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/dg.html


...

some evidence that i was conducting computer searches of public
libraries in an effort to find books related to the cultural aspects
of technology during this specific period of time, in order to work
my way out of the predicament i was inside:

*	computer search for 'technology' (1993)

  	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/dg/library.html

...

simultaneously take a class on the United Nations with professor
Knutson and submit the following paper for a final project which
received a nearly failing grade at the time. The paper explored the
realm of telecommunications and energy systems in relation to
international governance and public representation.

*	The Architecture of the United Nations (1993)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/AUN/main.html


most of this paper was written to try to explain 'why' one would
write such a paper, yet it still was not good enough.

...

about this same time i attend a metal sculpture class and design and
build two symbolic electrical artifacts:

*	Electrical Crucifixion (1993)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/crucifixion.html

*	Automatic Streetlight (1993)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/light.html


these become foundational for me, by putting the ideas and experience
in a tangible form, in relation to the world around me and the world
inside me, in conflict.


HEALTH:

Donald Geesaman was the best teacher i have ever had. a true
philosopher. As the question was never answered in advance, and
always contemplated again and again.

His work influenced me greatly and aided in my 'mental-health' in
that he did not treat me as crazy but as someone who was questioning
the world around them, the goal of education. This helped me to
continue on, despite a threshold that would be with me for years
which i could never break through. But the ideas, and the freedom of
thinking that Geesaman shared was truly inspirational and i will
always admire his humanity and graciousness and daring to think while
in the University. his work helped me ground my mind, in the realm of
science in relation to art, and thus a good foundation for
architectural research.

while making sculptures i was given medicines which made me so
unstable i would temporarily be unable to see. It was not due to
welding, either. i began to feel psychotic and the medicines, for the
first time in my life, made me feel suicidal, as they made me feel
crazed.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
3--	ASCII ARCHITECTURE
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

online the Internet Design-List, 1993-present


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

go online the internet and write about my architectural ideas on the
design-list. find others whom are willing to listen and debate the
ideas: here are a few posts which reflect the attempt to break down
the issues faced when trying to enact institutional change (language,
identity, logic, and power):


*	sample of ASCII architecture online

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/ascii-arch/


write about the experience at the University of Minnesota College of
Architecture and Landscape Architecture (CALA) online the design-list:

*	private public service (1995)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/service.html


receive feedback from professors, students, and professionals that
others are experiencing similar limitations, and meet several good
friends through this public dialogue.



HEALTH:

Some ASCII architecture from this time period was kindly published in
the book Being On-line, edited by Alan Sondheim, Lusitania press.

The academic saga unfolded online and as a result i was in many
public debates about architecture, my research, the educational
system, and beyond...



------------------------------------------------------------------------
4--	NO IDEOLOGICAL EXIT
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

1994~1995, Western Europe and back in less than 30 days
Amsterdam, Paris, Venice

upon returning to the USA i attend a grant-writing workshop and apply
for a research grant with the Charles Lindbergh foundation for
cultural research on technology. My proposal is declined without
comment.



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

fly to Europe in search of architecture, and for opportunities to
work on architectural research. It is here that i realize the
electrical infrastructure is a common, international aesthetic. For
example, in Venice, Italy, all the rooftops of buildings hundreds of
years old have television antennas atop them.


*	cover of hand-made book on universal aesthetics (1994)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/icons/book.html


upon returning to the USA i created a handmade book with colored
paper and drawings and photographs about the idea of universal
aesthetics and its relationship to the electrical infrastructure,
which i discovered during my European travels. i used this book as a
document to try to logically communicate with my professors, with
visual evidence for my public ideas based in fact. again, with no
luck.

likewise, i realized public utilities and construction sites also
shared universal aesthetics via color, material, and form, especially
during various stages of a building's construction. This view enables
one to relate language with architecture, order, and design. The sum
of this work is later exhibited in an online photogallery:


*	the aesthetics of deconstruction (2000)

	http://www.architexturez.com/decon/


the common language of construction and demolition across world
cultures, which could become the basis for a shared language of
design, and of identity.

with no money to stay in Europe, and no work for student
architectural researchers available, it was necessary to go back
'home' and face the inevitable- being institutionalized as a madman.
there was and is no way out of this cultural institutional insanity,
only ways deeper into its rotten core.

i confide in a friend in Italy that i know if i return i will be
electroshocked. cannot avoid returning to Minnesota, and thus face
the consequences for not 'obeying the rules' of the authorities of
the reigning architectural establishment.


HEALTH:

absolutely crazed. The complexity of my situation, and seeing no
probable way out other than death made me try to escape to Europe, in
hopes that i could find something to stop what i foresaw inevitably
happening if i should have to return, being labeled crazy, on more
and more drugs, and inevitably becoming more and more
institutionalized, more and more crazy as i pursue this public work,
as there was and is no other possible outcome given the total control
over thought in the architectural academy.

i could not foresee a life for myself in the USA where i could
continue my work and be free, within its system, and within the
psychology of culture.

becoming confused from being processed in the cultural system for not
fitting in, i began to worry i lost control over my limited ability
to self-determine my future. instead, i faced the chaos and fury of
the status quo, and as a consequence was losing my sense of identity.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
5--	CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:  1994-1995, USA

severe psychiatric breakdowns due to complications with prescribed
medications, requiring me to hospitalize myself twice to stay alive,
as i lose my ability to think rationally due to the enormous
pressure, and the hopelessness that nothing can be done to live life
outside of the total authority of cultural bondage.



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

	returning to the USA and i had no other choice but to stop
fighting the system and passively accept the label of being 'chronic
mentally ill' so as to survive, and have my student debt reduced, and
to obtain food, clothing, and shelter by the State of Minnesota.

ultimately, i had no other choice than to accept i was 'insane' in
order to stay alive, a forced confession so to speak, under duress.

Instead, my ideas did not belong 'in the real world' and i was
institutionalized in the mental health sector and shunned by former
teachers and students as being an aberration as i had failed to
change anything, and thus was not fit enough to survive the
psychological hazing of architectural 'training'.

During this time, US Senator Newt Gingrich publicly declared
something to the effect that 'if you are perceived as being mentally
ill or disabled, then you are'.

so, ethically and morally i used this as my guideline for knowingly
choosing to accept this paradoxical label in order to survive, as the
reason for my mental illness was others who were labeling me as such,
while denying all logic, rationality, reason, facts, and the truth i
tried presenting at every possible moment in an attempt to fit into
the current system, to help change it for the better, in the public
interest. This was a completely coerced confession, else i would
never get out of the hospital unless i agreed that i was mentally ill.

to stay alive i joined a Mental Health Day Treatment program for
roughly one year as a certified schizophrenic while reading Deleuze &
Guattari's Anti-Oedipus, Schizophrenia and Capitalism. It became a
useful tool, and this psychiatric philosophy, or 'schizo-philosophy',
offered a type of liberation-in-waiting from the United Statesian
worldview. After several months in Day Treatment it was clear that
the only way out of the hospital is through total submission, and
fully adopting the identity of being mentally ill, and being process
through the mental health system, hopefully to come out on the other
side. This involved the death of the ego, and also the conceptual
death of the individual as bearer of meaning.

The future would bring the altogether unexpected, onward...


HEALTH:

given pills to control my behavior, and continue trying to work
within the system to move the ideas forward. given anti-psychotic
medications, i start to feel suicidal beyond my own will.

working in Minneapolis in landscaping. have to quit because of
side-effects of the psychiatric drugs which try to adapt me into the
system.

So too, my ability to work is ended when taking psychiatric pills and
building boulder walls, as i collapse into a fetal position on the
ground while outside working in the sun. i am now totally physically
and mentally reliant upon the drugs to determine what i can and
cannot do, to the point of complete submission, else there is only
suicide.

unable to work, have to enter the hospital as a way to stay alive,
and ultimately the only choice, in order to continue working on my
ideas in the system, becomes ECT...




------------------------------------------------------------------------
6--	THE ELECTROMAGNETIC LOBOTOMY
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

1993-present, the Internet Design-List

reading Sartre's work Being and Nothingness while going into the
hospital for ECT. related to ideas of non-being and of an existential
process of becoming a self without an identity.

post-ECT, it takes 6 years of failure trying to fit back into society
that necessitates looking back into these files, in the summer of
2001, to accept the consequences and acknowledge the anger and
resentment i have for having to undergo such an event in 'the land of
the free'.



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

i break down and volunteer for Electroshock therapy, as it is the
last thing i can do to try to change my situation. i was not coerced
in any way to do this by any individual, but by an entire
bureaucratic system which makes the individual conform to its needs,
and never adapts to the needs of unique individuals.

electroshock therapy is and was *torture* in the sense that it became
the only choice for me to survive with my public architectural ideas
in a despotic system with a remnant of my self intact, so i was
hoping. And a future where i might have a different perspective, due
to a mental rebooting which, one must trust, i would rather avoid at
any cost besides that of death without ever having lived.

During hospitalization i decided to create an e-mail discussion list
called e-shock for keeping the ordeal public while institutionalized
to undergo electroshock therapy during a two week period. i have
hardly any memory of this event, but do remember getting my computer
out of a locked area in the nurses quarters (where they kept the
medicines and dangerous items) and then unplugging the phone in the
hallway and putting my 386sx laptop on a small table or chair and
dialing up the Internet to send out semi-weekly messages updating the
ongoing events via a 2400 baud modem.


*	E-Shock mailing list posts (1995)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/e-shock/


yet, it was not the ECT itself which was the problem, as it did help
in some ways to keep the ideas alive.

The problem is that electroshock was the ONLY option to continue
working on public ideas, that they are considered mentally ill and in
need of reform, or, the literal erasure, and rebooting of the brain,
so one has to reformulate their whole universe again. Thus, this
event finally made me truly insane, as it was pure torture, and i
will never recover what was lost in this destructive attempt to heal
me of my 'irrational thoughts', judged so as they did not fit into
the University system, and i hold the architectural establishment
significantly responsible for denying the public pursuit of
architectural knowledge, in order to hold onto the truth as they see
it, in a privatized authoritarian worldview.


HEALTH:

frequently nightmares, the memory of electroshock is so disturbing.
many nights when falling into sleep, i remember being prepared for
ECT when the shock-doc said- 'Let's Turn it (electrical voltage) up
this time..."- which filled me with terror as i fell into
unconsciousness in the operating room.

post-ECT effects include language troubles, damaged memory, social
stigma, illegitimacy, prejudice, psychological issues, etc.

After shock it becomes impossible to read. often have short
seizure-like events with a brain twitch, a miniature seizure where
the brain reboots, similar to that which Virilio describes in 'the
Aesthetics of Disappearance.'




------------------------------------------------------------------------
7--	MULTIMEDIATED ARCHITECTURE
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

1996-1998, move from Minneapolis,
Minnesota to San Francisco Bay Area,
Northern California, USA


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

attend school for multimedia studies and continue to independently
research the relationship between architecture and electricity.

apply for a grant from Weblab.org for the Architecture of Electricity
project run by the former head of the P.O.V. film series in the USA.
my work is again turned down for not being what they are looking for
in web content, while they promote their service as something to
challenge status quo views of things.

Apply for a 2 year scholarship to the SFSU Multimedia Studies
Program, then directed by Randall Packer. Move to California to
attend school and work independently on public ideas i was unable to
pursue in architectural school. in my scholarship application i
attempted to explain my paradoxical situation:


*	Multimedia Studies scholarship application (1995)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/mm/form.html


i was grateful to learn many new skills such as digital audio, video,
and imaging in a CD-rom based curriculum. later on, i taught myself
web skills, and applied all of these newfound skills in producing
works online.

.

As a result of a having time to research, it became possible to
develop various aspects of the future Architecture of Electricity
thesis for my graduation project. John Young at cryptome.org kindly
scanned and posted a document online that i sent out in paper form to
dozens of Architectural academics and administrators regarding the
research i was developing, and asking for support. i received no
replies:

*	the AE blueprint @ cryptome.org (1997-1998)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/cryptae/AE.htm


The result of this blueprint was an online prototype of an
educationally-oriented map of electricity and an electrical cosmology
to help explain why one would want to rationally define a direct
lineage from the Big Bang to the Internet:


*	Mapping the Electrical Assemblage (1998)

	http://www.architexturez.com/mea/mea_m.htm

*	The Story of Electricity (1998)

	http://www.architexturez.com/mea/story1/2main.htm


my work included 3D computer model of a chess set that i described in
the Program for Individualized Learning (PIL) application years
before...


*	Electrical Power System chess set (1998)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/chess/1.htm


upon graduating from school, receive the Robert Bell outstanding
achievement award and share my work online the Internet, but still no
one in the field of architecture relates to it, and so i accept that
i will need to find work in the field of multimedia, and pursue my
architectural research on the side.

My main goals were to stay healthy and work my way off of public
assistance. both of which prove impossible.


HEALTH:

went dentist, dr. vu, who asked why i had disability insurance. i
said i was mentally disabled.

all people in the office were screaming or moaning in pain. young and old.

i began questioning the work she was doing on my teeth, as she would
just start drilling until she hit a nerve, and then i would demand to
know what she was doing and i was assured i had severe problems with
my teeth. when i told others about my suspicions, i was considered
paranoid. So i was silent and accepted that i must be 'crazy' to
question this dentist.

In the end, i was given 4 unnecessary root canals, none of which the
state would pay to cap, so i had teeth without tops, which were
severely infected by unhygienic tools and overdoses and subsequent
reactions to antibiotics. In an emergency a relative helped pay for
me to visit another dentist as i was in so much pain i could not
think. today my teeth are still infected and my health never
recovered from having the dentist drill on open nerves and misuse of
antibiotics.

dr. vu left town without a trace after 'mining' my teeth and many
other people using the public health system.


~~~

SPACETIME:  1998-1999


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

although displaying skills often much more diverse than most employed
in the multimedia industry in San Francisco, i am unable to even get
interviews based on my resume and portfolio. So too, my architectural
work and research are of no help in obtaining a way out of total
dependency and subservience to the statistical ideal of the reigning
bureaucratic worldview.

develop a portfolio of my digital media skills for showcasing my work
skills for potential employers, in an attempt to work my way off of
Social Security. My unique generalist skills are not valued in the
specialist marketplace.

*	SITE (going offline)

	http://www.architexturez.com/site/


as a public service, develop and maintain an online portal and
archive of freely available architectural research and theory texts
online the Internet in my spare time, while working on my
architectural research. It becomes an established site, on the main
page of Yahoo, and has 30,000 plus visitors a year. Yet still cannot
find work in the profession.


*	architexturez.com (being transferred)

	http://www.architexturez.com/


also create an architectural glossary in an attempt to deal with the
pervasive architectural issue regarding discourse and language, in an
attempt to find a shared meaning.


*	The glossalalia project (being transferred)

	http://www.architexturez.com/glossalalia/


both the architexturez and glossalalia projects are being transferred
to a team of online collaborators whom will continue to develop the
projects for the public domain.


HEALTH:

	a computer grant was facilitated through the Center for
Independent Living (CIL) in Berkeley, California, where the
disability rights movement began in the USA, including originating
the drive for the American with Disabilities Act and advocacy for
disabled rights to work.

The goal of the computer grant is to work my way off the Social
Security system. The mac-clone enables many things, including
reentering the workforce as an independent contractor at SFSU's MM
and IT Corporate Training program, helping develop their website and
strategy part-time, while also continuing my architectural research,
which i desperately need to do to keep my sanity.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
8--	ARCHITECTURAL DEBATE (SIC)
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME: 	1998, the Internet Design-List


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

architecture exists online in a way it cannot offline. That is, all
of its paradoxes and difficulties cannot be contained in a clean-room
environment and philosophical architectures are beginning to form
through debates in public forums.

There is no 'public' architectural debate, outside the University.
But sometimes there is, in some regards, a fish out of water...

debated Columbia University's architectural theorist Stephen Perrella
in a public forum, the design-list, regarding a Lingua Franca article
and the ideas presented therein centering around the idea of
'schizo-philosophy' as employed as a radical politic inside the
insular circles of architectural theorists inside the University. i
called this an absurd theoretical bluff, in so many words.

The result was an exchange in the design-list archives...


*	debate with spN of Columbia University (1998)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/debate/


the debate ended, as if it never happened. spN privately said he
would send me a copy of his hypersurface book and then offered me a
chance to write in his next book. neither of which happened. And both
of which seemed like an opportunistic buyout at the time, as he owns
access to the press. For me all of this it was an indication that
architectural thought today is highly privatized and controlled
inside the University, to the point where it is impossible to have an
open, public debate, as those in positions of power with total
authority over the interpretation of architectural ideology may risk
being wrong or having their ideas proven basically unsound.


HEALTH:

besides the prevailing prejudice about being labeled schizophrenic
and thus, all my work being boiled down to firstly being that of a
mad person, dangerous even, and most certainly irrational, no matter
how logical or rational or reasonable one may be. They are still
nuts, then there is 'certainty' of where they fit into the ruling
system of order and control over independent thought. these documents
are presented to give the reader an opportunity to review
architectural discourse outside the institutional walls which confine
architectural truth and knowledge.




------------------------------------------------------------------------
9--	SOCIALIZED INSECURITY
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:  1998-2001

Oakland California Social Security Office is rife with clerical
errors, lost data, lost files, do not answer phones or return calls,
and are chronically overpay, underpay, and at times totally stop
payments, canceling my medical insurance, while i try to work my way
off of the 'support' system.

My PASS Plan for staying employed as a disabled worker was denied by
the San Francisco office of Social Security in the heart of the
dot-com economy, as they could not comprehend why one would needs a
computer at home to work as a web developer and content designer.

The representative went hysterical when i tried to describe how the
multimedia industry is different from the industrial model of work.
To develop content online one needs equipment to do so, and without
it, one cannot keep up their skills, stay competitive, and employed.

Another example of the frustration with the Social Security
bureaucracy is that when i wanted to take on more hours at my job, i
was given the name of a contact to call to find out how much i could
earn, without losing my insurance, and they never returned my calls
after one month of trying to contact them to find out.


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

Upon reentering the workforce I contact several Social Security
Administration representatives to make the necessary changes in my
governmental support. From this point onward, it became impossible to
work and maintain my health on Social Security, as i would be
underpaid and overpaid and would be in constant crisis while working,
and trying to figure out what went wrong with the bureaucracy became
my part-time job, as public money was being wasted.

Everytime i found the source of the errors, which were entirely
caused by Social Security, i would be charged for the mistakes and
have been submitting paperwork and resubmitting it for 3 years (they
lose it and do not have a central filing system) just to stay
employed. This damaged my health, as working became destabilized by
trying to get off the system and it became obvious that unless i
could work full-time i would end up not able to work at all. which
eventually is what has occurred.

i have contacted the head of the local Social Security branch, my
Senator two times, and others to try to figure what has been wrong.
In the end, i was blamed for all of the errors and now am unable to
even talk with a representative as i am considered a troublemaker for
trying to fix the problem. because i am labeled with a psychiatric
disability any challenge to their logic is seen as my illness and i
have been retaliated against and discriminated against, so the
bureaucratic system can work the way it does without changing, a
familiar theme.

i was both denied the opportunity to work my way off of the system
because of the constant errors in my checks, never knowing if i would
be able to pay rent or not while working, as there was an error in my
file. And also, after working for one year searching for a computer
upgrade with no success, i applied for a savings program but was
denied the right to save money for computer equipment to stay
independently employed because of systemic ignorance of today's
high-tech working world.

The Social Security PASS Plan application forms did not relate to the
digital media industry i work in, and thus i would have had to lie to
get the grant. The bureaucratic representative could not believe that
one needs a computer to work as a web developer. Thus, when my only
computer was recently hacked and corrupted for good, i was unable to
continue working and now am in dire need of a new system to keep
working, continue my research, and remain paradoxically sane in an
utterly insane environment.

i am more disabled since working and being on the Social Security
system than i would be otherwise. It has become a trap cannot escape,
as everytime i try to get out a problem it takes all my energy to
fix, and months pass by...


*	first public statement on Taking Pills (2000)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/nettime/pills.html


Social Security denies Waiver for overpayment from a mistake 3 years
ago that I have worked for 3 years to correct. They review no
paperwork, and then tell me i did not provide the data. I believe i
am being targeted for speaking up to their system and calling for a
review of their procedures to fix the problem, as the public is
losing money to a broken system.


Have to quit work because computer was hacked and destroyed and
health is deteriorating with stress and no future. When recently
reporting about my loss of work income, i receive no response after 5
attempts to notify the Administration, but a check for $1.00 US
instead of the regular amount arrives, threatening my ability to pay
rent. Again, for the 2nd time, Social Security has started the
process of taking back money without denying my claim for a waiver or
appeal from a problem generated by their system 3 years ago.

It is too much for me to handle alone now and i have to ask relatives
from out of state to represent me as i can no longer write or talk to
them, or write letters, as it is now totally out of control and
impossible to keep up with, healthy or severely unwell, as i am now.


HEALTH:

Develop severe anxiety and panic attacks.

Start becoming allergic to all medicines i am put on, where i develop
hives and welts under my skin. i am put on different drugs and the
same things happen, over and over. As i get sicker and sicker as the
stress gets more and more.

The oddest coincidence is that every time i was ready to work more
hours in an attempt to become self-sufficient something with Social
Security would go wrong that would take 3 months to deal with, at
which point my health would be worse off, and make it impossible to
take on more work as fixing all the problems were a part-time job.

The only choices were to remaining living on Social Security with 500
month or so income from working, per month. else, full-time
employment. anything inbetween these would mean i would likely lose
my housing assistance, health insurance, and supplemental income
should i not be able to pay rent. All or nothing.

after half a dozen serious efforts to get off of the system, i came
to realize this would not happen for me. So i began to restrategize
and focus on my research work as my way out of this situation, even
though all my work is considered illegitimate. To do this i needed a
computer system to both stay employed as an independent contractor
and also to do research work online.

After a one year search for public grants, it is clear i will not be
able to find another computer to stay employed and work on my ideas,
and thus stay sane. i apply for a grant from Social Security to save
for work equipment but i am refused, as i am employed, and cannot
prove i need a computer to do my work online.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
10-	ARCHITEXTUALIZING ELECTRICITY
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME: 	Y2K, December 31st 1999 and January 1st 2000



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

finish and publish roughly ten years of independent architectural
research on the AE thesis website on Y2K. It consists of roughly 100
screens of information detailing the cultural significance of the
electrical infrastructure in architectural terms, for the layperson.


*	AE public launch announcement (Y2K)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/aeY2K.html

*	the Architecture of Electricity (Y2K)

	http://www.architexturez.com/ae/


A study of the electrical infrastructure compared in relation to
classical notions of architecture.

at this point it becomes clear that the feedback from JYA of design-l
and cryptome.org about addressing the larger issue of
electromagnetism and not only electricity is where the future of the
architectural research work lies.



HEALTH:

The only critical feedback on the project received was regarding the
lack of a religious perspective on the ideas being presented. upon
replying to an e-mail request for why this is so, my work becomes the
focus of a well-known religious warrior whom damns my work as that
for not addressing this issue. subsequently, i receive e-mail
threats, strange phonecalls, and other visitors requiring security
measures.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
11-	PUBLIC DISINFORMATION ZONE
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

2000, online the Internet

printed in a Hong Kong-based international design magazine.



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

no one in the field of architecture or cultural research in the USA
will publish nor even read my work, including old student friends,
likely for fear of losing expertise over their version of
architectural reality, by insulating themselves from uncertainty.
Thus, the audience i focus on is everywhere but in the closed system
that is today's USA, unable to adapt to the present.

The specific circumstances which led up to the AE thesis, that is to
say, the story behind the thesis, was left out for the most part, as
the reviewers of family and friends did not like the ending. So it
was rewritten so as to not mention E-Shock. Yet, without that
dimension, it appears just like any other boring work of research,
and just another thing, when it has been so highly controversial as
to be censored and actively dismissed. Thus, it seems appropriate to
put the work in its original context, after having learned that the
process of the work is as important as the work itself, in
understanding it:


*	original unedited AE Epilogue (Nov.1999)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/AE/aftershock.html


the 'red' texts were left out of the final version in addition to the
images of the electroshock experience because people were so
disturbed by how i connected the experiences as a product of the work
itself, a connection which i maintain is relevant to this day.

After posting the Architecture of Electricity, i wrote a synopsis of
the thesis in an essay which is published by Hinge Magazine in Hong
Kong in the summer of 2000.


*	Electromagnetic Architecture (2000)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/features/essays/ema.htm


this gives me great hope in that it is the first time anyone has
accepted my work. The article was made to be very palatable to a
general audience and yet still is written for architects. This helped
me greatly to believe that someday my work may be seen by others,
outside the total control over information by architectural
institutions in the USA.


also write a poem about the end of the public Internet

*	death of the internetwork (2000)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/nettime/deathnet.html



HEALTH:

getting sicker yet, having nightmares often and also panic attacks so
badly i cannot go outside at times. suspected of being complications
from psychiatric pills i was still able to go to a specialist doctor,
whom after months of tests concluded i do have nerve damage which is
highly unusual for a 30 year old person, and then said it will only
get worse with age.

My ability to speak, write, and think rapidly deteriorates, i am
dizzy often, off balance like i may fall over, and am now even more
fatigued to the point of needing to close my eyes during the daytime,
yawning all day, and developing various nervous ticks which appear
during times of stress. My request to see a neurologist is denied, as
there is not enough evidence i may have some more severe problems.

i am told all of my symptoms are that of post traumatic stress
syndrome, previously known as 'shell shock.'



------------------------------------------------------------------------
12- ELECTROMAGNETIC INTERNETWORKING
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

2000-2001, online the Internet. interest and support for my research
work from European and Indian architects


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

i am contacted by a Swiss architect and asked to write a proposal for
an article in an upcoming special issue of 2G magazine on
Architecture and Energy, published in both Spanish and English. This
opportunity lets me write thoughts about the larger issues related to
the electrical infrastructure as a cultural assemblage and my
proposal is accepted.

Because of my situation, i am unable to accept payment due to the
inevitable loss of housing and healthcare and i am also denied by the
Social Security PASS plan the right to save the money i could have
made to help buy the computer equipment necessary to stay employed in
the multimedia industry, and to continue my work.

i rewrite the essay and make it into a website with graphics and
animations, non-copyright, and instead have to ask for donations of
computer equipment as I cannot risk losing my benefits as i could end
up further institutionalized and even homeless due to the many rules
that conflict with one another and the bureaucrats that decide the
fate of the individual by an illogical economics of institutionalized
subservience.

During the period prior to launching the project online, my computer
comes under attack, and i need to send out the maps i was working on
for the project and an essay to make my work public, as i fear that
my work may be destroyed before i could get it online.

With some luck, and a public presence, i am able to launch the Seeing
Cyberspace project online to a few e-mail discussion lists:


*	Seeing Cyberspace project launched (7/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/seeing/


after publishing the full-text essay on a three e-mail discussion
lists, there is a large response from the .mil, .edu, .com, .eu,
.org, and .int domains. It is again ironic that so many people "on
the job" from high-profile domains are visiting a mentally insane,
college dropout's work, and makes one wonder why they are visiting.
As i am not getting any better, and weird things are now happening
with my computer and website...


*	interesting visitors during June-July 2001

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/visitors.html


it then becomes clear i am under cultural attack, not by any one
person, but by a United Statesian cultural ideology that cannot deal
with ideas it does not condone... it seems i am becoming a terrorist
for 'thinking differently' in my own country, and being terrorized
for using my rights as a public citizen...



HEALTH:

within hours of posting to the 50 person electronetwork-list at
openflows.org, the USAF central command and LLNL.gov is at the site.

Cryptome.org is the first website to publicly publish the url online.

2G magazine (Spain) publishing in print an earlier essay from late
2000 in a special issue on Architecture and Energy.

paranoia in the extreme sets in. not that it is delusional. But that
the stress makes everything suspect, and it is hard to trust anything.

memory starts to blank out and nerves fire repeatedly as i hang on
during major storms in the mental atmosphere, which have not subsided
for months now. a type of global warming of the brain, it is.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
13-	THE PURGING OF PUBLIC DISSENT
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME:

1999-2000, california & online the Internet


openflows.org volunteers to host the electronetwork-list and
so it continues today thanks to their collaborative support

ab-a.net takes over managing the architexturez-list and keeps
it online, which is greatly appreciated



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

post ideas critical of US Administration' s Energy Policy online and
have several ongoing problems, which completely destroy my ability to
continue working and i feel unable to do anything more to try to
change what is happening...


*	TV Ads on Election Night (11/2000)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/adverts.html

*	US Tax Cut = Energy Bailout (2/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/bailout.html

*	US Energy Policy (6/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/policy.html


two Topica.com discussion lists i manage, the electricity-list and
architexturez-list, totaling about 120 listmembers, shut down 'for
spamming'. every time i try to send e-mail to the two lists, my
e-mail client, Microsoft Outlook Express, swears at me with an error
message, saying "Stop Fucking Spamming", or something similar, and
stops my posts from being sent off my machine, to the lists. My
dial-up IP address is then blackholed so that i cannot even send
e-mail to topica.com to let them know what has happened to try to fix
the situations.

next, one definite act of physical surveillance is noted, where a
private website with logfile monitoring is visited by a company whose
business sign i was looking at while outside having a cigarette late
at night. i wake from sleep the next morning to find this company has
visited my private website, an event so statistically improbable that
i can only assume that i am under some kind of surveillance from
across the city street.

computer is then hacked into and the soon to be launched
electronetwork.org website defaced. web server e-mail being
monitored, as accounts which post with at random have long download
times (several minutes) while non-accounts on same ISP have no delay.

It is evident e-mail is being read as weird e-mails arrive on mailing
lists and in the guise of spam referring to private conversations and
data from both work and home, on the telephone and online the
Internet. Computer is being remotely manipulated with icons moving
and screen resolution changed, etc. 200mb of information on disks is
lost as a direct result of the attack, including all hyperlinks to
online resources for electromagnetism related to the launching the
electronetwork project. All passwords are corrupted. even my PDA
repeatedly breaks during these very strange events.

In sum, this hack attack stopped all work on the larger
electronetwork.org project, dead on arrival, as it never launched,
when it was planned to, in Spring 2001.


*	The welcome hack (6/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/welcomehack.html

*	system corrupted (7/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/corrupted.html

*	use caution pursuing EM (7/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/caution.html

*	the welcome mat (7/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/energy/welcomemat.html


my computer is now ruined. The hard drive is corrupted , even after
reformatting and zeroing all data. All programs are corrupted even
after reinstalling. All programs crash, as if they are being shut
down from afar at the most inopportune times... i tried for 1 year to
get grants for a new computer and was unable to. So now i am without
the tools i need to work.

something very fishy is going on, and it seems that the privatized
bureaucratic democracy is breeding fascist elements that are shutting
down any dissenting opinion in order to establish total control...
regardless of democratic law or individual human rights, `even in
(the United States of ) America'.


HEALTH:

Under attack, fearing censorship and loss of project data, decide to
circulate the maps being developed for the Seeing Cyberspace project,
to go public with the ideas, as i fear my work will be deleted by
online vandals. Send 4 maps about creating a Public Energy Policy to
100 news organizations and government officials and receive no
response whatsoever.

initially no one in the local believes what is going on until i show
them the cumulative evidence of weirdness with my computer, website,
logfiles, and e-mails.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
14-	SEEING NO CHANGE
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME: 	 1999-2000, San Francisco, California

due to the chaos experienced, and having tried everything within my
abilities to survive, it has become necessary to 'go public' with
this story, as a public autobiography of facts and events related to
working on public ideas which challenge the status quo, and do not
receive any support, but also, now, which are under active attacks
which are trying to shut me down by ruining my equipment, my health,
and my ability to continue on like this...


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:


i try one last time to fit into the system. There was a position for
a content developer at Sea-Change, a George Soros funded organization
for social entrepreneurs. It is based on the concept of using private
capital and resources to serve the public good. highly-qualified, i
was passionate about working with them as a content developer, and
also applying for a grant as a social entrepreneur.

i never got interviewed for the job. nor an e-mail after twice
querying the status of my application. It was as if i never sent in
my application, essays, urls, and ideas they requested. It was as if
i did not even exist, although i knew i was the one for the job. It
is what i believe in. instead, looking on their website two months
later i find that an editor from a well-known non-profit is selected
whose skillset seems to match only 10% of the job description,
whereas my skillset matched more like 90% of the qualifications. That
was my job, and i didn't even have a chance of getting it, for
reasons i have tried to not accept as true. The result is writing
this story as an alternative. i tried to fit in, and, well, it didn't
work. So i'm changing strategies now.

The wealthy and powerful executives of many a corporation lead this
effort to enact social change, to change things for the better.
private industry in service of the public. a great but very
troublesome idea that could work, if its paradoxes were acknowledged
and dealt with openly. That is to say, that the social goals are
public goals, not those of private industry.

This is an essay i wrote for their writing sample on the idea of
philanthropists funding public social entrepreneurs:


*	social venture capital (3/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/change/


at the same time i applied for a grant as a social entrepreneur. My
computer being recently hacked and barely operable, i decided it was
time for me to tell the truth, or my side of the story, that of a
public citizen who was working on public ideas on their own, without
any resources, and who would be able to make significant progress
with these goals if given a chance, and some support. i was ready to
make things happen. The fighting spirit was still alive, even though
i was under attack for my ideas online and off.

After one month of filling out and then revising the online
application, the answer to my initial question as to whether or not
one has to be a legal nonprofit is answered contrary to a previous
answer e-mailed to me, and my application was instantly null and
void. i need to be a business, they now said with an apology, to be a
social entrepreneur. In addition to this 'my story' was critiqued as
not being relevant to being a social entrepreneur. As it was my
personal experience. not about the social entrepreneurial ideas, but
about me as a specific and discrete individual. i wrote back to
SeaChange stating that i am my ideas, and these are public ideas.
They are human ideas, and not just private aberrations.

It is so odd to know that others can dismiss as irrelevant the lived
experience. what is a social entrepreneur if not first an authentic
individual human being? my answers to both 'obstacles encountered'
and 'major risks' were viewed as `out of bounds,' it seems. This act
of turning away from the truth, from seeing a human being who is
dying for their beliefs, for the pursuit of the public good, to be
simply dismissed away, even while this life form is in such a
precarious position as to be on the verge of extinction, and to do
nothing but turn away-- it is unconscionable and a horror that our
hypocritical societies of bureaucratic democracies look the other
way, as a holocaust of human rights is now underway reenacted by the
machinery of the world estate.


*	feedback on SeaChange application (7/2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/nochange/


request to be taken off of San Francisco based Creative Disturbance
website project for funding artists. having received no responses for
the year my work was on the site, and seeing conservative,
institutional projects get profiled, I asked for removal. vetted as
to why by the director Mark Beam, i respond that i do not want my
work affiliated with an institution that does not serve me. i do not
believe in that the work of creative disturbance is funding is
anything that is challenging to the status quo, but only what the
reigning marketplace wants to legitimate.



HEALTH:

Need to cancel my work contract because my health has declined. Not
having an operational computer, and no upgrade path, all work has
ceased.

can no longer work on the Electronetwork.org project until getting
new, non-corrupted, working equipment.

health plummets as stress level goes higher and higher, to the point
where i cannot even function, such as writing or talking. And a
rational paranoia sets in, as disparate coincidence becomes concerted
probability.

between being sick and having my computer broken, i am no longer able
to work, as an employed disabled worker nor on my own research. This
inability to communicate online has been my last hope to move these
public ideas forward. And now i can no longer even do graphics on my
machine, only the most basic e-mail, and even that is now barely
operable.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
15-	THE LAST OF THE FREE RADICALS
------------------------------------------------------------------------


SPACETIME: 2001-

leaving Alameda, Calfornia, USA on
a journey to Montréal, Québec, Canada

when an individual can no longer act with reason, with common sense
logic, with truth of intersubjective facts, with generalist knowledge
of several crucial subjects, and be denied the right to even exist,
then, something is wrong, as one cannot be free if they are only
considered insane because a bureaucracy has labeled them as such.
freedom is replaced by bondage, and as the cancer of a closed and
arch-conservative cultural order, all they can do is disappear, die.
And if they refuse, they are punished, until they submit. And give
away the last remnants of their mind, of their body, to a machinic
desire to destroy all difference by denying any similarity between
human beings, and our shared public endeavor.

The public health system in the USA has actively helped to kill me.
And ignored all evidence that it has done more harm than good. The
teachers in architecture school made sure i was seeing a psychiatrist
when they abused their power by denying all truth which refuted their
subjective beliefs. i got pills and they got their paychecks and
tenure. This too will change. i am no longer going to accept that
individuals who are in positions of power are not responsible for
their actions.

i hope they will change, or leave the University and give someone
else the chance they have denied others.



EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

a free-radical is a highly-reactive atom with an unpaired electron
which is associated with causing cancer, as it can disrupt the way
things ought to work when they are healthy.

So too, in a political sense, a free radical could be someone
operating within a conservative environment where the traditional
order rules, so much so that it may refuse to change, adapt, and
evolve so that it can stay 'healthy'. To survive, it needs to make
sure the potential causes of its cancer go away, permanently, if at
all possible.


*	architecturalizing fascism (2000)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/theo_arch.html


*	American Ruins (2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/ruins.html


taken to the extreme, traditional ideas can hold back the new, and
create a tension that will eventually be released, through war, art,
and ideas. Whenartists and thinkers and their ideas become 'the
enemy' and terrorize the status quo, then it is an age-old sign that
freedom is in jeopardy, and the ancient and repeating battle is once
again going to be played out on a grand scale.

The most dangerous thing in this environment is not that of an
ideological 'opinions' demanding change, for every ideology can and
will eventually be controlled. Instead, it is ideas, the freedom to
think and interpret which becomes the greatest danger, as Victor Hugo
shared. It is in our ability to think freely, to question, and to
rethink our positions that enables us to change. When we cannot,
then, the predictable will happen again and again, looping back on
itself...


*	~~~ fascist network rising ~~~ (June 2001)

	http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/fascistnet.html


it is this dangerous fact which is being denied in the current
cultural order of United Statesism and its world picture. one of the
most disturbing events of my life was watching this years Fourth of
July parade outside my apartment on the main street of the small
island city where i live.

When i saw everyone participating in the parade, which each year gets
more and more surreal in the commercial sense, i realized this was no
longer my country, nor were the rights nor independence celebrated
mine, as they were not only actively denied me, but that in a very
specific sense, my ideas are considered a threat, an enemy of the
status quo that celebrates the country in its current form.

And it made me fear, not the powerful, for they are truly weak. It
made me fear the masses in the bureaucracy whom have to follow the
rules to survive, as they are the first to uphold the skewed ideology
of a broken system. i no longer feel safe living in the USA, as it is
now but a remnant of an idea, now only an ideology that could instead
be called the United States of Apathy or Amnesia or Armageddon.
whatever one calls 'US' one thing is clear, this land is not my land,
and this land is not free. And the blood of our ancestors which
fought to rescue this same idea, this same dream, from its somatic
incarceration from an unimaginative, totally manipulative, and
undemocratic bureaucratic machine of the industrial mindset. With
this sensation in my heart, i wrote the following e-mail to the
nettime-list...


*	declaration of Interdependence (July 2001)

http://www.electronetwork.org/works/automadness/texts/interdependence.html


as an individual human being, and as a part of the human community, i
demand to see radical change in my life. i will serve no institution
which does not serve me, as a human being. i will not worship 'false
profits' in the guise of doing good, being right, decent, and fair.
The rules have changed my friends. The logic has changed. And now,
those who oppress yet deny, and continue to hold back change, the
ideas and actions which are needed to change the world for the
survival of our human republic, will have hell to pay...


		let loose the dragons,

	     and the world will be in flames.


credit, whether private money, stature, or status, is no good in a
human economy which values public deeds and actions more than selfish
greed, and world class ego building through cultural pyramid schemes.

those who sentence those who dissent this insane system to absolute
cultural death will now face the same bureaucratic machinery as it
strips away the power of the despots whose individual power holds
back the rights of the human public.

you, the Inquisitor, will need to conform to a reality not of your
own making, nor under your own control or authority. You will be
humbled at the power of freedom, of imagination, and love, which
rebels against you and your ignorance. You have chosen to fight a war
over ideas, which you can win only by destroying democracy. And we
will not allow this to happen, for just as our ancestors fell to
their knees, bloody and full of holes, in a pain greater than any
individual can bear alone, so too, in this our first Civilian World
War (CWW) you should now prepare yourself to meet your fate, which
you have chosen for yourself, apart from the rest of the human
community.

This land, the Earth, is our land, this land, the Earth, is free.
This land is sacred, and you defame it. And you defame those who want
to protect it, and ourselves. You will be brought to your knees,
until you kiss the ground and join us.

.

In the moments before my trip to Canada, to look for work, i am
captivated by an artist's painting at a streetfair outside my
apartment, during the weekend i am writing these last words of this
autobiography of madness. The painting i saw sums up every complex
emotion i feel, every thought i have but cannot convey. It is a
painting by Cherokee artist and Vietnam veteran John Balloue of an
Indian warrior with their flag, standing infront of the American flag,


	* * * Home of the Brave * * *

	http://www.finecraftgalleries.com/shell&stone/brave.htm


this painting conjures deep emotional pains of being an individual
human being living within a United Statesist worldview. The ideas i
love and honor are not those of a specific nation, but of a land of
freedom, of the body and the mind. Yet the world remains blatantly
unjust, as people continue to be processed into cultural extinction,
the wilderness within us all paved over with an ideology of fear not
freedom, hypocrisy not democracy, and murder not love.

The United States i will always cherish, honor, and be a part of is
the United States of Humanity. It is an idea about a world that is
free, which cherishes memory, and fights for the liberation of the
unique qualities of all people equally.

we are not machines alone. We are beings, with infinite desires. But
today, we are nothing but tools of an Automated State of Madness. a
place where thinking freely, and being different, is to risk becoming
a terrorist and an enemy of the fascist bureaucratic world estate.

fellow humans. i need your help. let's work together with our unique
skills, and fight for our human right to be free...


	--first we take Montréal...


HEALTH:

physical health is deteriorating from stress and ability to
communicate has become severely limited, as more stress agitates
symptoms of illness, including hives, exhaustion, not being able to
stay awake, confusion, dizziness, etc. Have welts and hives and
antibiotics. making me sicker. Mental Health medicines are making me
sicker. am on the verge of institutionalization and cannot accept
this as a valid option. I cannot go through this scenario again, and
survive. I am losing my ability to act, and my mental capacity by the
day. No computer, I cannot work, on my ideas, to keep me sane, nor
for employment to work my way off the system, which has proven
impossible.

Have an ear infection and am given an antibiotic. due to earlier
medical malpractice, my immune system cannot accept the drug and i go
into severe shock, an almost autistic state of not being able to
communicate.

i am nauseous for one month. sick feeling day and night. cold sweats.

collapse in the middle of the night. Have blood in my system. total fatigue.

Can no longer work. Can no longer speak. Can no longer write.

Can not write a check or an e-mail.

Unable to understand anything. Can no longer read.

Unable to comprehend the idea of cooking food.

Unable to get bread to eat.

Not able to bicycle to the grocery, as my eyes cannot look straight
ahead. They are blitzing all over the place.

Unable to stand up, so dizzy.

No longer able to do regular chores such as washing dishes and cleaning.

overwhelming stress. massive fatigue. Paranoia

Unable to concentrate.

extreme toxicity lasts the full month of July, an event i have never
experienced nor could i imagine such symptoms possible in one bought
of illness. My immune system is damaged and i am ill all of the time
now. That much is evident. The public health system says i am not ill
as my blood tests do not have all factors wrongs, to be classified as
an illness. So this must just be in my head. But i can no longer go
along with this charade. As i am dying, my heart is dying in this
fascist state of turning away from the truth and instead towards the
certainty of self-deceit.

i am insane, of course, so i don't know any better. But, i know this.
if i continue to stay in this bureaucratic system i will soon die, as
my body and my mind have already been crushed beyond any hope of
recovery. But my spirit cannot be destroyed by this insane
bureaucratic democracy, by the false-freedom of conforming or being
punished, one in the same thing.

No.

freedom rings. hear the bells, they are calling us to gather...

we must meet soon as time has already run out, and thus we need to
utilize a human psycho-logic to wormhole our way back into our shared
nonexistent future...




------------------------------------------------------------------------
16-	GOALS FOR TODAY
------------------------------------------------------------------------

SPACETIME:

2001, Alameda, Calfornia, USA to Montréal, Québec, Canada
30,000 feet, 500 mph, with nowhere to land


EVENTs & ANALYSIS:

i am visiting Montreal, Quebec, Canada, looking for work as a public
researcher, and support for my work through grants, or government or
educational research positions.

Goal: Livable income
Goal: part-time employment
Goal: Quiet workspace
Goal: Sufficient health care
Goal: Dual-citizenship
Goal: Telecommuting to work
Goal: Relocate to Montreal Canada
Goal: Computer equipment for work
Goal: Tools and equipment for research
Goal: Grants for public works projects
Goal: Financing for Electronetwork.org


contact me via e-mail if you are willing and able to contribute to
this public research effort so as to freely educate the citizenry
with ideas that can help facilitate peaceful and rapid change through
our abilities to work together on shared goals.

brian thomas carroll 	human@electronetwork.org

independent researcher, content designer, strategist
please support the electronetwork.org project
http://www.electronetwork.org/support/

.

please send help as soon as possible. We need to organize the public
to avoid the catastrophe looming on the horizon. people do not have
to die. We can change the system peacefully. We must. We have no
other choice, as wars cannot solve this problem. And the real war
will be on democracy, and our freedom to dissent and to work together
for change...

there can be large-scale cultural change for a sustainable and
democratic human future. And your contributions and collaborations
are critically needed to make this possible. looking forward to
working with fellow humans in serving the needs of the public. into
the future... where we meet again.


HEALTH:

To be determined...  currently very ill.

i believe this can change but not in the current circumstances, which
is what has made me write this story out, as it is the first time,
and the last time, i will be able to tell this story. Because i no
longer accept that i am the one who is insane and who needs to
change. i defy this label. i am a human being who is unique. As is
everyone. And it is the system of power and control over ideas that
has to change. i will not serve any institutions which do not serve
me back, as a human being.

In frankenstein, the monster is a result of a doctor and machinery of
the state which made the madness manifest within the individual. It
is time to treat the causes of our cultural ailments, not just the
symptoms of our cultural dis-ease.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

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no copyright. public domain. 2001



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